


Empty Orchestra

by RosellaC



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Crossover Pairings, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Karaoke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 05:47:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8192480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosellaC/pseuds/RosellaC
Summary: Pam organizes a karaoke night for the gang as a team-building exercise. It goes about like you'd expect.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Just playing with someone else's toys. Again. It's fun, what can I say? 
> 
> Followup to Blitzkrieg, taking place about a month or so after that ends. In my head, Penny's voiced by Anna Kendrick, so keep that in mind while you're reading. 
> 
> Disclaimer: this fic may or may not have been inspired by a combination of too many late night viewings of Pitch Perfect, the final Tragically Hip tour, and general insanity.

_Team-Building Exercise. Karaoke Night, This Friday!!!_

Pam’s email hits the team’s inboxes first thing Monday morning, with predictable results. Lana’s groan echoes down the hall and her annoyed footsteps follow it, stopping in the doorway of Pam’s office to complain. 

“What the shit, Pam? I thought we were done with karaoke night after we got banned from the last place!” 

Pam shrugs, unruffled. “Figured it was time to revive the tradition, since we have fresh meat on board now. I found a new place where they don’t know us, so we should at least get one good night in before we get banned from there too!” 

“Noooooope. Not gonna do it. Not even for Penny. It’s just going to be the same as it always is and I’m sick of it.” 

“Sick of what?” Penny’s come down the hall to see what all the noise is about.

“Check your email,” Lana says with an eyeroll. “Pam’s trying to bring back the team karaoke night, and I’m trying to convince her it’s a bad idea.”

“Oh, come on, I think it would be fun! For the booze, if nothing else.” 

Lana shakes her head. “Let me tell you _exactly_ how this is going to go. Archer’s going to butcher something by Sinatra and we’re all going to pretend he did a good job because he’s slightly less insufferable that way. I’m going to get drunk and then probably sing some disco shit. Cheryl is going to whine about how she can’t sing until she actually gets up there and then she’ll kick everyone’s ass. Cyril’s going to sing some sappy love ballad and embarrass himself, and Ray and Pam are going to make it about halfway through something crazy before they’re laughing too hard to finish. It’s the same thing every time we’ve done this.” 

“Well… yeeeeeeah, that is pretty much how it goes.” Pam doesn’t look happy about being forced to agree with Lana. “But it’s still fun! Come on, say you’ll do it. We definitely need somethin’ new.” 

Penny notes that Lana’s left someone out of her recital. “Doesn’t Krieger participate in these? He loves music.” 

“Never has, that I can remember. The rest of us are at least mostly passable, but I don’t know if he can sing at all. I think he just likes the drums.” 

Penny laughs. “I’ll have to ask him, then. Anyway, I’m definitely coming. Not sure I’ll sing, but I can’t wait to hear all of you get up there and make fools of yourselves.” 

“If you come, you have to sing!” Pam warns. “Them’s the new rules. Take ‘em or leave ‘em.” 

***

Friday evening, they all pile into Krieger’s van to head to the karaoke bar that Pam swears they’ll be allowed into. Lana suspects that Pam’s called in a favor to her gangster friends for this, but she’s not going to consider that her problem until she has to. Bad enough she’s been roped into this in the first place.

“Cheer up, Lana! What are you gonna sing tonight?” Pam pokes her in the ribs and she sighs. 

“No idea. I have to get drunk first, then I’ll figure it out. As you know perfectly well.” 

Pam grins at her. “I have a feeling tonight’s gonna turn out less routine than you think.” 

Despite Pam’s prediction, the evening begins with Archer crooning a Sinatra classic, as usual. “Typical,” Lana scoffs. “Wish he’d throw in some Dean Martin sometime and mix it up a little.” 

“I heard that,” he calls. “How about _you_ mix it up a little, Miss Disco-Never-Dies?”

“Shut up, shitass. Just for you, I’m not doing disco tonight, even though you totally deserve it.” Lana struts up to the stage and launches into her song, pointing straight at Archer.

_What you want_  
_Baby I got_  
_What you need_  
_Do you know I got it_

“Niiiice!” Pam whoops. “Give that man what-for!” 

“She’s really good!” Penny says, surprised. “For all the bitching she did all week, I’d have thought she hated to sing.” 

“She always does that - I think she secretly loves it, though. Look at her up there giving Archer shit. It’s like her favorite pastime.” Pam’s laughing as Lana brings the microphone off the stage and perches in Archer’s lap with an evil grin, singing directly to him. When her song is over, Lana bows deeply and hands the microphone over to Cyril, still smirking. “You’re such a bitch,” Archer says, but Penny can tell he doesn’t mean it, since he’s grinning right back at her. 

Penny has no idea what to expect from Cyril’s selection, but the opening chords are catchy, and as soon as Lana hears them she drops her head into her hands. “Oh, my _God_. That unbelievable _asshole_.”

_I see you drivin’ round town with the girl I love_  
_And I’m like, forget you, ooh ooh ooh_

“Are you for real? Jesus, Cyril!” Pam hollers. “At least sing us the grown-up version if you’re gonna pull this shit!”

Cyril reddens but keeps going. His voice isn’t bad, but he’s cracking a little on the high notes, and as the song goes on Penny begins to see what Lana meant by “embarrassing himself.” They’re all cringe-laughing now, especially when his song reaches its climax with a wailed _I still love you…_

“Please, Pam. I am literally begging you.” Lana grabs Pam’s arm, looking intense. “For the love of God, please take one for the team and fuck the desperation out of him. I know you can do it.” 

Cyril shoots Archer a poisonous look as he leaves the stage, but Archer just shakes his head. “New low, Figgis. New low.” 

***

The gang takes a break for a bit and lets a few others take their turns. As usual, it’s about a 50/50 mix of drunken howling and actually decent singers. Archer and Pam heckle, Lana is having an intense whispered conversation with Cyril (at the end of which he stomps off to the bathroom, looking deeply offended), and Krieger has his arm around Penny, chatting with Ray about work. Cheryl’s being uncharacteristically quiet tonight, nursing a drink, and Ray’s instincts tell him something’s not quite right there. 

“What’s up with Lady Chokesalot over there?” 

Krieger looks over, sees Cheryl scowling. “No idea. She’s been moodier than usual lately, but I haven’t really talked to her. I’ve had other things going on.” 

“No shit.” Ray punches him softly in the shoulder, smirking. “’Other things’ being the lovely lady sittin’ next to you?” 

“Also, yes. But I meant the project we’re working on to improve the performance of your legs.” Krieger refuses to take the bait, and Ray begins to suspect that he knows perfectly well what’s wrong with Cheryl. Penny knows Krieger and Cheryl had a fling, of course, but Ray doesn’t know if she’s aware of the details. He also doesn’t know if she realizes that Cheryl’s growing more and more jealous. Whether or not she actually wants Krieger back (and Ray suspects she doesn’t, not really), she’s not happy whenever she’s not the center of attention. 

“Well, we’re off the clock now - might wanna go check the catalog if you’re plannin’ to perform tonight.” 

“What are you singing, Ray?” Penny asks. “Lana said you and Pam usually sing together?”

“Yeah, we usually duet. We both kinda suck, so we just pick somethin’ funny and go for it. Go grab the catalog and we’ll figure out tonight’s selection.” 

When Penny comes back, Lana and Pam have joined their table, and Ray is bent double laughing. “Oh, we are gonna tear it _up_ tonight, y’all!” 

“We don’t even need the catalog,” Pam cackles. “We know exactly what we’re gonna sing and you are gonna love it!” 

“Oh, God. Please tell me it’s not going to be a repeat of last time.” Lana turns to Penny. “Last time we did one of these, they rapped ‘Baby Got Back,’ complete with interpretive dance, and _that’s_ why we’re not allowed in that bar anymore.”

“Nope. Definitely not.” 

“Okay, then,” Penny says, handing the catalog to Krieger. “You pick.” 

Fingers crossed, Krieger flips through the catalog. _Yes!_ He finds what he wanted; this is a bit of a gamble for him, but he’s pretty sure it’ll pay off. Grinning to himself, he writes down his choice and passes it up to the DJ. 

“Krieger, _you’re_ singing tonight?” Lana can’t hide her surprise. They’ve been doing these karaoke nights periodically for years, but despite his fascination with Japanese culture, he’s never participated before that she can remember. 

“Yep yep yep! I’m feeling inspired,” he says, smiling down at Penny. 

“Should have seen that one coming.” Lana rolls her eyes. “What’s it gonna be? Rush?” 

Krieger frowns at her. “It’s a surprise, and no, of course it’s not Rush. The only one who can sing like Geddy Lee is Geddy Lee. I’m not worthy.” 

“Well, I hope you’re ready, ‘cause you’re up as soon as Cheryl’s finished.”

As soon as Cheryl takes the stage, Ray knows his instincts were right on target as always. She’s looking directly at Krieger, singing her sultriest version of a classic from the band they always listened to together. 

_Left a good job in the city_  
_Workin’ for the man every night and day…_

Ray glances over at Krieger to see how he’s taking this, and fortunately he doesn’t look disturbed. He’s got that look on his face that tells Ray his thoughts are far away, probably on his upcoming performance. The rest of the bar is clapping and cheering, since Cheryl’s outdoing her always-excellent performances by a fair margin, but Pam raises her eyebrows at Ray and he knows she’s picked up on Cheryl’s subtext too. He shakes his head at Pam, with a _What can you do?_ gesture, and hopes this is as far as Cheryl’s willing to take her odd notion of revenge.

Cheryl finishes her song, blows kisses to the audience, and steps down from the stage to more applause. The praise seems to have restored her good mood, and she takes her seat with a big smile. Penny taps her on the shoulder and she turns with a triumphant look on her face. 

“That was amazing! I had no idea you could sing like that!” 

“Awww, thanks, Penny. I just get up there and it’s like the music turns me into a whole different person!”

Lana snorts. “That… would be one way to put it.” 

Penny looks puzzled, and Pam leans over to her and mutters “Looooooong story. Tell you later. Now look sharp – your boyfriend’s up!” 

***

Krieger walks onstage, looking a tiny bit terrified, and nods to the DJ to start the song he’s picked. Everyone stares at him, not knowing what to expect, and the quiet _tick-tick-tick_ of the hi-hat intro is the only sound in the bar. Suddenly, Penny recognizes the drumbeat, and her hand flies up to cover her mouth. _Is this…?_

He begins to sing, low and wavering a little, and she knows she’s right. 

_They shot a movie once_  
_In my hometown_  
_Everybody was in it_  
_For miles around…_

Penny can’t believe it. _How the hell did he know?_ They haven't been together long, and she doesn’t think she’s ever mentioned this band to him, or played him any of their music, but it’s undoubtedly the one that means the most to her. It’s the soundtrack to her adolescence and her young adulthood and her freedom, and having her lover sing it for her is touching her more than she can say. Tears well up at first, but they’re quickly replaced by other emotions as the guitars crash hard into the second verse. 

Krieger’s settled into his performance, fully into the music now, eyes closed and body moving, and he’s _good_. None of the others are familiar with the song or the artist, but they can’t help but be stunned by what Krieger is doing with it. Even jaded Lana is whistling and clapping for him, and it’s obvious to all of them what Penny thinks. She finds his deep voice sexy to begin with, but she’s never heard him sing before, and he couldn’t have picked a better song to turn her on if he tried. The gravel and growl of it are pulling sensations out of her, feeling like his hands on her even though he’s up on stage. 

His green eyes are open now, and he fixes Penny with a heart-stopping, almost feral grin. 

_Whoo! Baby, I feel fine_  
_I’m pretty sure it’s genuine_

Pam nudges Ray. “Holy shitsnacks, look at her. He’s gonna get it tonight for sure!” 

“Fifty bucks says he gets it in the parkin’ lot.” Ray shakes his head. “Ya know, if I didn’t like that girl so much I’d tell her to get in line.” 

“I know, right? Who knew he could sing like that? Sploosh.” 

“Ugh! It’s like he’s having sex with our earballs.” Cheryl scowls and slumps back in her seat, annoyed that her thunder has been stolen so effectively. 

The hard-driving beat fades away, and thunderous applause takes over as Krieger finishes up. He’s dazzled, not used to performing in public or to so much praise, and he wobbles a little as he leaves the stage. Penny doesn’t wait for him to reach their table; she meets him at the edge of the stage and pulls him in for a kiss without saying a word. She tastes of salt, and Krieger pulls away to see that she’s crying. 

Penny sniffles, smiles brightly through her tears. “You were so good! I loved it, I can’t… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love that band. But how did you know?” 

Krieger pretends to shrug. “Educated guess? Scientific inquiry?” He looks down at her, endearingly guilty. “By which I mean I may have snooped in your music collection while you were sleeping.” 

Archer claps him on the shoulder admiringly. “God _damn_ , Krieger! Way to make us all look bad. I had no idea you’d been moonlighting as a rock god.”

“Startin’ to get an idea what she sees in your weirdo ass,” Ray adds. “Penny, are you up next?” 

“No way. I can’t follow that act!” Penny shakes her head, laughing. “You and Pam go on and I’ll bring up the rear.” 

“What was that music, anyway? I’ve never heard it before but it’s pretty awesome.” 

“The Tragically Hip. It’s a classic rock band from Canada, and my all-time favorite,” Penny replies. As the others turn away, she grabs Krieger’s hand and leads him off, not looking back. 

“Where are we going?” he murmurs to her. 

“We are going somewhere private so you can do depraved and unmentionable things to me. Right now.” 

Krieger’s eyes go wide. “… Okay.” 

***

After another break, Pam and Ray take the stage. Before the background music begins, Ray grabs the mike. “We’d like to dedicate this song to two very special friends of ours…” He scans the crowd briefly, and adds “…neither of whom appear to be in this bar at the moment, makin’ this song even more appropriate.” Ray turns to Pam. “Pay up, honey.” 

At just the wrong moment, Krieger and Penny creep back in, trying and completely failing to appear as though they’d never left. The opening chords are drowned out by the team’s catcalls and jeers, but as soon as Pam begins to sing, they all dissolve in laughter.

_Well, I remember every little thing_  
_As if it happened only yesterday…_

“Oh, my God!” Penny covers her face, bright red. “You told me nobody noticed when we left!” 

Krieger’s a little red-faced too, but he’s matter-of-fact as usual. “They didn’t, as far as I know. They must have noticed us coming back in.” 

“Yuuuup. You two are not nearly as stealthy as you think,” Lana laughs. “Just coincidence, though – Pam and Ray picked this song before you snuck out.” 

Up on stage, Ray’s joined Pam in song. 

_Oh, it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night…_  
_I can see paradise by the dashboard light!_

By the time Archer’s pushed his way onto the stage to do the play-by-play, they’re all breathless from laughing so hard. Even Cyril and Cheryl are smiling again, and Penny feels a rush of love for all of them. As crazy and difficult as their jobs can be, and as much as their interpersonal conflicts sometimes get in the way, there’s no question that this team is deeply bonded together. 

_Stop right there_  
_I gotta know right now_  
_Before we go any further, do you love me?_

Ray’s really hamming it up and he drops to his knees, pretending to beg Pam. She cracks up, and although Ray makes a valiant effort, they’re laughing too hard to finish, just as Lana predicted. The whole bar joins them in the song’s final chorus, and when Pam and Ray leave the stage, Penny hugs both of them. “I hate you both so much,” she says, wiping away tears of laughter. 

Ray kisses her cheek. “Love ya too, kiddo. Glad you're part of our team now! Now get up there and mark your territory.”

By the way she nods, eyes narrowed, Ray knows she didn’t miss the point of Cheryl’s performance after all. He’s interested to see how she’ll respond: girl power anthem? Sappy love ballad? Sex bomb torch song? He’s never heard her sing, so he has no idea what she might be capable of. He nudges Krieger. “What’s your lady plannin’ to sing for us?”

Krieger looks as puzzled as Ray. “I honestly don’t know. She told me it would be a game-time decision, whatever that means.” 

“Means she’s gonna go with the flow and see what she feels like singin’ when her turn comes up,” Ray says. “After what Cheryl pulled on you, I’ll bet she’s lookin’ for revenge.” 

Krieger looks a bit uncomfortable at this, but nods. “She has a wonderful voice. She sings in the lab all the time, so whatever she picks, I’m sure she’ll be good.” 

“Awwww, she sings for you? I think I just got diabetes!” Pam’s teasing as usual, but she’s genuinely happy for Krieger. “You two are good for each other, ya know. You’ve been, like, 25% less weird since Penny came around.” 

Ray punches her. “Shut up, she’s starting!”

***

The opening riff is instantly recognizable, and Krieger smiles. Penny’s picked a classic of classics, just as he expected. 

_It’s gettin’ near dawn_  
_When lights close their tired eyes…_

Penny’s voice is low and sweet, not a calculated showcase like Cheryl’s performance or hilariously over-dramatic like Pam’s. It’s just… simple, but there’s emotion behind it. She’s smiling down at him, and the lyrics make him think of waking up in her bed, morning sun dappling her skin. 

_I’ve been waiting so long_  
_To be where I’m goin’_  
_In the sunshine of your love_

The reference to sunshine isn’t lost on Krieger, and not for the first time, he gives thanks for Penny’s intelligence. She knows him well enough now to know a sappy love song wouldn’t be his style, but she’s still managed to allude to something that’s special to both of them. Sometimes he can’t believe his luck; he’s pretty sure he hasn’t done anything in his life to deserve the fate that brought Penny to him, but he’s not about to question it. 

Penny stumbles as she leaves the stage, and Krieger steadies her; he realizes she’s trembling. She burrows into his chest as he gathers her in for a hug, and he feels the vibration of her words against his skin. “What’s that?”

She pulls away, but won’t look him in the eye. “I was terrified,” she confesses. 

“You, terrified? You’re not scared of anything! Not even me.” 

“I get awful stage fright… didn’t want to say anything and spoil the party, but I think I need to go throw up now.” 

Krieger pulls her back in. “You were lovely - you sing like a little bird,” he reassures her. “I never would have known you were scared.” 

“Hey, let go of her!” Ray calls. “Tradition dictates that the last performer does an encore.” 

“What??” Penny’s taken aback. “You never told me that!”

“New tradition! I just made it up right now.” 

Ray has an evil grin on his face, and Krieger thinks he’s just trying to get Penny back on stage to piss off Cheryl. He looks at Penny, asking with his eyes if she’s okay with this, and she nods back. “My brave little bird,” he whispers, kissing the top of her head.

“All right, Ray, if you insist!” Penny grabs his hand, pulling him toward the stage. “But I’m not doing this by myself – you’re gonna get your ass up here with me.” 

Ray figures there’s only one possible choice when you need a karaoke tune to get the whole bar singing along, and Penny doesn’t disappoint him. The familiar piano chords ring out, and he lets her take the lead. 

_Just a small-town girl_  
_Livin’ in a lonely world_  
_She took the midnight train_  
_Goin’ anywhere…_

Ray rescues her and takes over the next lines, grinning at her, but the rest of the team doesn’t want to miss the fun and they all crowd onto the stage. Pam’s shredding an air guitar solo, and with all of them singing, Penny’s more confident and her voice is stronger, soaring over the rest in the chorus. 

_Don’t stop believin’_  
_Hold on to that feelin’_

Krieger squeezes her hand, out of sight of the rest. He’ll hold on to this feeling as long as he can. 

***

They’re on the way home, Krieger driving and the rest in various states of drunkenness in the van. Penny’s sound asleep, leaning on Ray’s shoulder, and Pam looks around, realizing she’s not the only one. “Krieger!” she hisses, not wanting to wake anyone up.

“Hmmm?”

“I gotta know. How the hell did you pull that off?”

“The song, you mean?” 

“Yeah, the song, dumbass! Most shitty karaoke bars don’t have random obscure bands all cued up and ready to go in case some freakazoid decides he wants to sing for his girlfriend.”

Krieger frowns. “First of all, it’s not exactly an obscure band. They’re huge in Canada. Penny kind of grew up there so they’re her favorite. It’s just that nobody down here’s ever heard of them.” He pauses, looking proud of himself. “Also, I called ahead and bribed the DJ.” 

“ _There_ it is. That’s the Krieger we know and love.” 

***

They’re lazing in bed the next morning, wrapped up all cozy and unbothered by the sunlight slanting in through the window. She’s lying on her side, the little spoon, and he can’t resist pulling the duvet down to bare her back. She makes a sleepy noise of protest, but doesn’t pull it back up, and he traces patterns on her pale skin. 

“Stop that.”

He kisses her shoulder. “Stop what?”

“Stop _plotting_. I know exactly what you’re doing back there – there’s no point playing innocent.” She rolls over and sits up, hair tumbled around her shoulders, smirking at him. 

“I’m not plotting.” 

“You are too, and I already said no. You can call me little bird all you want, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to let you give me wings.”

He pouts. “Awwww. You’re no fun.” 

A few minutes pass.

“…But they’d look so _good_ on you!”

“I said _no_ , Al.”

**Author's Note:**

> For your listening pleasure, here's the gang's playlist for the evening:
> 
> Archer: ["My Way," Frank Sinatra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egY8rUpxqcE) (idk, he just seems like the type of dude who appreciates the classics)  
> Lana: ["R-E-S-P-E-C-T," Aretha Franklin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYbs_O_iMfU)  
> Cyril: ["Fuck You," Cee Lo Green](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAV0XrbEwNc) (but of course, the radio edited version, because Cyril)  
> Cheryl: ["Proud Mary," Creedence Clearwater Revival](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfyEpmQM7bw)  
> Krieger: ["Blow At High Dough," The Tragically Hip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pw2krdBz7IA) (if you are not familiar with this band, do yourself a favor and check them out!)  
> Ray and Pam: ["Paradise By The Dashboard Light," Meat Loaf](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C11MzbEcHlw) (FYI this is a song about doin' it in a car)  
> Penny: ["Sunshine Of Your Love," Cream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt51rITH3EA)  
> Encore: ["Don't Stop Believin'," Journey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k8craCGpgs) (if you do not sing along to this whenever you hear it, you need to reevaluate your life choices)


End file.
